


The Talk

by The_Marauder_Named_Prongs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:43:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Marauder_Named_Prongs/pseuds/The_Marauder_Named_Prongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius comes out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

When Sirius figured it out, he was completely stunned – baffled – entirely flabbergasted. He couldn’t look himself in the mirror. He didn’t know who he was anymore. How, he thought, can you be something without even knowing it? How can a core aspect of your personality be completely unknown to you for sixteen years?

When Sirius realized he was gay, he didn’t know who to turn to. He couldn’t talk to Peter. He and Peter just weren’t close like that. Peter looked up to him, emulated him, admired him. Peter was not the person to confide in. He might understand, but quite honestly, Sirius was too embarrassed to tell him, and shatter Peter’s unattainably high regard for Sirius.

Nor could he go to Remus.  _Bloody Remus_. This was really all his fault. But he could never know. Sirius had  _feelings_ for him. Real feelings. Not like we’re-bes- mates feelings. He had full-on I-want-to-see-what’s-in-your-pants feelings for Remus bloody Lupin.

And so, he couldn’t talk to Remus.

That only left one person: James. Sirius was frightened to go to James. Sirius was frightened of himself and his new-found… orientation. He feared James would be frightened too. He feared James would never look at him the same; he feared James wouldn’t trust him in the locker rooms anymore when they changed and showered after a particularly muddy Quidditch practice; he feared James wouldn’t want to sleep in the same dormitory anymore; he feared James would think Sirius felt things for him that Sirius definitely didn’t feel. Most of all, he feared that his friendship with James – a friendship that was closer to brotherhood – would be forever altered.

And so, Sirius kept the information to himself. He didn’t say anything to anyone for months as he with battled himself internally. Should he tell James or should he not? Should he ignore the whole debacle? Then, he began doubting himself again. Where he had once doubted his feelings for women, he now doubted his feelings for men. Perhaps it had been a phase and now it was blessedly over. But try as he might, he knew in his heart that it wasn’t true. He had Remus to thank for that.

Every time Remus changed in the dorms or returned from the showers with only a towel about his waist, Sirius couldn’t help but look. Sirius now saw hidden strength in the muscles of Remus’ arms and chest that he had never bothered to look at before. And it drove him mad. He was ashamed with himself for looking. He shouldn’t look. He was doing the very thing he feared others would assume he was doing if they knew. But he couldn’t help it. Remus was just  _there_  and so awkwardly attractive and sexy and he  _didn’t even know it_. How could he not see it? It was all Sirius could see these days!

He was being so obvious – too obvious, and he knew it. He was just waiting for the day Remus, or James or even Peter would say something to him. But they never did, and it slowly ate Sirius alive – the shame and the guilt and the confusion and the utter loneliness of harboring such a secret from his best mates.

And so, months after his revelation, as he and James sat in the snow over winter break, alone and quiet, throwing snow onto the frozen lake-top, he decided to bring it up.

“Prongs,” he said, looking straight ahead and definitely not at James. “I’ve something to tell you, and you’ve got to swear you won’t say a damn thing until I’m done, okay?”

James glanced at Sirius curiously. “Yeah, okay. What is it?”

Sirius shrugged, trying to play down his fears and misgivings. James would understand. James would accept him. They were practically brothers, for Merlin’s sake! “I’ve known for a while, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell anyone, but I’ve decided that you deserve to know because you’re my best mate.”

James nodded encouragingly, though his eyebrows were still quirked in confusion and curiosity.

“I don’t…  I don’t think I’m into birds, mate, if you understand me.”

A long silence ensued. Sirius lowered his gaze to the ground, picking at the snow with his gloved hands. He’d said his piece, short though it was. It was up to James now to take it or leave it. Eventually, James responded.

“Okay,” he said, with a shrug to match Sirius’.

Sirius looked up at him for the first time since deciding he was going to do this here and now. James certainly looked okay, but there must be more going on in that obnoxious head of his. “That’s it?” Sirius asked, perplexed at the lack of response.

“Well, yeah,” James replied. “There’s really not much else to it. You say you’ve felt this way for a while?” Sirius nodded. “Okay, then. Nothing’s changed between us in a lot longer than a while, and knowing about it isn’t going to change anything either. So… I don’t know, it’s just okay.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“No.”

“You won’t think of me differently?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

James cracked a smile. “Just don’t go telling me about all the blokes you’d like to shag, yeah, Padfoot?”

Sirius laughed and with it went all of his insecurities and fears. He felt relieved. “I promise!” He held up his hand. “Marauder’s honor.” And James was laughing too, and things really did feel okay.

“Although, there is this one bloke I’ve seen down at the Three Broomsticks….”

“STOP! RIGHT NOW!”

And together, they sat laughing for minutes on end until they couldn’t laugh anymore and their toes felt numb. Then they trudged their way through the snow back to the castle. And things remained normal – or as normal as things could ever be when Sirius Black and James Potter were involved.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Winter Wolfstar Wank on Tumblr.


End file.
